His heart was racing while listening the ringing sound from his laptop. It had been so long when Raphael had seen Leo via live call. Finally tiny click sound reached his ears and screen turned from black to distortion face of Leos. Connection wasnt all that good but as long as they could see each other it was more than enough.

Smile spread on Leos lips as his eyes scanned his lovers face on the screen.

Hi, beautiful.

Hi. Blush took over his cheeks in a second after hearing Leos voice. Ya finally were able ta talk with me. Its been months when we talked last time.

Yeah, sorry about that. Its been so damn busy here and I needed to wait safe time to call you.

I know. Hows war?

Rubbing the backside of his head Leo sighed a bit. Im not sure, Raph. It has calm down some but Im not all that confidence its over.

 So ya aint coming home any time soon...

It looks like that.

It sucks.

I know it does. I would love to come back home and be there with you.  How have you been?

Squeezing his knees Raph growled with sigh. The same old shit. Been stuck here inside of these four walls ever since the accident.

You havent go out at all?

How could I? Theres no damn elevator in this building and I cant go down the stairs with wheelchair.

 And others? They arent helping you?

Only April. She comes to see me once a week and bring me food. She would love to take me out with her but Im too heavy for her. Caseys busy with Angel since they are both promoted in police department. Dons busy working in Aprils company but he seems to love it. And Mikeys busy of doing his comics to deadlines while also trying to take care of orphans in orphanage. Hes doing a damn good job tho. Many kids have found new loving homes.

Another, but smaller, smile spread on Leos lips as he listened what Raph had to say. He was sad Raph wasnt able to go out, hasnt been in over a year, but at the same time he was happy everyone else seemed to be doing alright.

You know what? When I come back home I will take you out as many times as you want.

...If ya come back... was faint whisper what Leo still heard loud and clear.

What do you mean by that? Of course I come back.

There aint any guarantees that you will! Every damn day, when mail drops in, I fear Ill find a letter from military which says ya are dead! That ya got blew up by a missile or something!

Leonardo felt his heart being squeezed by invisible hands when he watched his lover leaning on the table, hiding his face behind crossed arms slightly trembling. Reaching towards the screen Leo wished so hard he could reach Raph and touch him, but his fingertips met cold screen instead of warm skin.

Raph Beautiful, hey. Look at me. Please.

Rubbing his eyes on his wristbands Raphael slowly lifted his head up, locking his teary eyes with Leos blue worried orbs. I will come back to you. I promised that with a kiss, remember?

Yeah I remember. Its just Ya been gone for so long and I fear losing ya every damn day. I even have nightmares about it almost every night I I cant take this shit anymore. I want this ta end, Leo. I want and need ya home.

And I will come home, I promise. I---

Enemy! Its the enemy! We are under attack!

Lifting to sit up straight Raph reached to grab on the screen with both of his hands, fear filling his heart as he watched Leonardo nodding behind him to his comrade who brought information about attack.

Leo...

Turning his focus back on Raphael, Leos familiar and loving smile returned back on his face. Dont look so afraid, beautiful. Im fine. I need to go. Placing 2 of his fingers on his lips Leo placed gentle kiss on them, slowly pressing his fingers on the screen. Love you. Raphael did exactly the same; I love ya too. Go kick their asses. To this Leonardo smirked winking once, ending the call.

Screen turned black and Raphs hands were shaking with the rest of his upper body. Hands slowly slid down on the table and once more Raph rested his head on his arms, crying silently. Fuck...



Weeks went by and there hadnt been another call from Leo but This one letter Raphael was on the balcony tightly holding it in his hands when April stepped in his apartment.

Hi, Raph! Placing food bags on the table she stopped to listen. She didnt hear Raph answer to her which worried her greatly. Raph? She looked around the apartment until finally coming on balcony, seeing her friend in his wheelchair.

Hey. I called you. You didnt hear me? I bought you all that what you asked via text mess-
 Whats wrong? She stopped next to him, placing her small hand on that green massive shoulder. Slowly, oh so very slowly Raphael turned to look up at her friend with teary eyes.

April instantly knew. Leo? Is he?

He aint dead. But they said hes hurt.

How badly? Closing his eyes Raph shook his head while she landed down to his level.

Dont know. They didnt say it. Only that hes hurt. Opening his eyes Raphael eyed the letter. I think they have been in a bad situation so they hadnt time to write and send me a better letter.

I see. But hey, at least hes still alive.

 Yeah but what he ends up in a wheelchair too? Or worse?

I understand your fear, Raphael, but its Leo who we talk about. Im sure hes not all that badly hurt.

Hmm.

Come now, Raph. Cheer up. I even brought you your favorite pizza for us to share. I have 2 days off from work so I thought I would spend them here with you.

Thanks but ya dont need ta do that. Casey needs ya too.

Hes too busy with his work and his free days are in next month so I can be here with you easily. That is if you want me to stay.

Of course. Company is always welcome. I dont have that luxury too often.

And thats why Ill stay here. We will have a good time. She smiled and tapped his shoulder while getting on her feet. Now, lets go eat that pizza before it gets cold.

Smirking with small laughter Raphael turned around, following her. What? Ya saying cold pizza aint good?

No. Im saying I enjoy my pizza more when its warm. To this Raphael laughed, allowing smile to stay on his lips. He was still worried about Leonardo, but Aprils company and humor instantly had start to make him feel better, worry and fear slowly slipping away from his mind and heart.



Those 2 days went fast since Aprils company had been most wonderful and greatly needed. She had made sure Raph wouldnt sink into his gloomy state and worry about Leo so they watched a lot of movies, ordered pizzas and played with playstation what Casey had buy to his friend as a birthday gift few months earlier. April had even managed to talk Raph into allowing her to use nail polish on his finger nails. About all this Raphael was very grateful and laugh was filling his apartment after a long time but sudden dead silence instantly overtook his house when mail dropped in.

Standing up April rather wondered to herself out loud; Wonder what mail brought you today. It felt like eternity before April returned back to the table handling all mails to Raphs hand what was reached towards her.

She noticed how his hands were trembling slightly and stopped, holding a letter in his hands.

Raph?

Its from military.

What are you waiting for? Open it.

Dont know can I.

Reaching her hand on Raphaels she encouraged him with warm smile. Im here with you. Nodding once after little hesitation Raphael struggled to get letter open with his shaky hands but when he finally did, his heart filled with warmth, eyes turning more bright.

Its from Leo! He wrote hes okay and his injury has been small one. War is still going on so he still doesnt know when hes gonna come back. He sends wishes to all of you and kisses for me.

Awwwhhh! That is so romantic!

To this Raph smiled a bit with deep and good nature snort, sealing the letter back in its envelope, kissing it gently. Sudden sound of keys getting into a lock and door opening alarmed both of them but they relaxed when Casey stepped into their view.

Hiya!

Casey, you moron! You almost scared us to death!

What? I send ya a text I was coming ta pick ya up, babe.

Uh, you did? She reached her phone from her pocket, chuckling soon afterwards. Oh, I have got it but I never heard it. I had forgot to turn sounds on after the night.

Its okay. Turning to look his best friend, Casey smiled at him widely. Havent seen ya in ages. Ya look more green than ya used ta. All that worrying about Leo isnt doing ya any good.

Luckily Raph was in good mood so he got into the game. Maybe so or then its because I aint getting any sun in this damn box.

Im sorry I havent been able ta come here and take ya out. Been so darn busy with work that sometimes I feel Im losing my mind.

Ya already have lost it.  Aprils loud laugh filled the kitchen and soon Casey and Raph were laughing too. Wiping her eyes April gasped for air. You two are impossible! I better go to the bathroom so we can then leave. and so she left the kitchen. Making sure she was in the bathroom Casey turned to look his friend who was still holding and eyeing Leos letter in his hands.

How are ya really doing, Raph?

Im good. Aprils company was so needed and it made me feel better. Wish ya all could spend more time with me every now and then until he comes back.

Ya know what I meant, Raph. Be honest with me.

Sighing Raphael lowered letter on the table between his hands. I have been better. I miss him and worry about him so much. Just 2 days ago I got a letter Leo was injured.

Yeah, April sent me a text about it. Taking a look on the envelope on the kitchen table, Casey nodded towards it. Is that from him?

Yeah. He said he was alright. He wasnt badly hurt, luckily.

Hmh, of course not. Its Leo. He has military background and hes also a damn ninja. Nothing kills him!

Hmh, not even a missile?

Not even that, man! He would easily dodge it and swung it back like that panda in that kids movie!

Ya mean Po from Kung Fu Panda?

Yeah! Leo could do that easily too!

Raph didnt need to say anything but Casey saw it clearly from his face that Raph loved the idea and knew it to be true. Leo was skilled and not so easy to kill after all. Light sounds of steps alarmed both men Aprils arrival so they just sat silently, waiting for her. She stopped next to Casey resting her hand on his shoulder.

Im ready to go now if you are.

Yeah, sure, babe. Raph...

Its okay. Ya guys have your own lives, home and a relationship ta work on and keep on going. I aint wanting ta be in a way.

Ya know Ya could come ta our place someday. I could come ta pick ya up and all.

No no. Its fine. Like I said I aint wanting ta be in a way or become a third wheel. I have four wheels already. Raphael chuckled at his own comment but his friends looked at him worried until he calmed down. Besides I aint wanting ta make ya carry me and my wheelchair down and then up on those stairs.

As you wish, buddy. But ya know, ya can always call me at any time. I pick up if I can or call ya back later.

Same goes for me. You can always call me, Raphael.

Yeah, I know. Thanks, guys.

Will you be alright on your own for now?

Hey, Ive been living in this box alone a bit over a year already. I can manage.

We just want to make sure, thats all. But call us if anything, and I mean ANYTHING, happens. If you need ANYTHING and all.

Yes, yes, April, I will call.

You better. Make sure you have phone with you at all times. Watching after his friends to leave Raph felt his chest getting more tight since he knew another night was ahead of him  alone. He was afraid since he knew exactly what kind of night it would be. Waving byes to his friends he watched door closing behind them and instantly the heavy feeling, darkness and loneliness swallowed him.

Somehow Raphael managed to go through rest of the evening, finally making his way to bedroom and on the bed. Settling down on his carapace he felt this nasty fear sneaking in his guts. He hated and feared to sleep alone for a some reason. Only thing what he could thing of, to cause all this to him, were his nightmares about dead Leo. Shaking his head Raphael pushed all those thoughts out of his mind. Reaching for his phone from night table Raphael opened one of his music lists and put relaxing and calming music to play silently. It always made him think Leo in calm and relaxed way, helping him to fall asleep better. It didnt fail him this time either But it didnt keep his nightmares away.

Jumping a bit Raphael snapped his eyes open streets lights lightening some of his room faintly. Breathing heavily Raphael struggled himself to sit up, wiping his sweaty face on his blanket. Fuck Turning to look clock on his night table showed red numbers; 2:33am. Hesitating a moment he reached his sweaty hand to his phone, picking it up. Searching a name from info list he pressed call button and waited. Phone kept ringing against his ear until his call was answered.

Mhmhmh Hello?

 Don?

Hearing Raphaels shaky voice calling his name made Don instantly jump up better. Raph! Wha--!?

S-sorry for calling ya at this hour. I hope I didnt wake ya up.

Not at all! I was checking some lists while eating. Are you okay?

 No. Had another one of those fucking nightmares and I fucking fear of falling a sleep. Every. Damn. Night. Taking a deep breath to calm himself and stopping his body from trembling, Raphael continued; Plus these damn pills what ya did and gave ta me They are useless. They dont keep nightmares away anymore Havent keep in weeks.

Don listened silently worried. If thats the case then why you didnt call me sooner? I would had done you other set of those dream blocker pills.

Ya really think I wanna bother ya with such idiotic thing? I know ya are damn busy even without me and my problems. There was another silent moment and, as much as Don wanted to reply to his brother, his gut feeling told him to stay silent and wait. Finally Raphael spoke again but with trembling voice. Ta be honest, Donny I cant take this fucking life of mine anymore. There have been so many damn moments when I have thought of throwing myself over the edge of balconys trailing! Im fucking sick of my fucking life!

Listening his brothers voice full of pain and hate towards himself made Dons heart ache but at the same time his mind filled with worry because he never knew Raphael had suicide thoughts.

Listen to me, Raphael. Even that I am busy with my work in Aprils corporation that doesnt mean I wouldnt have time for you. I ALWAYS WILL have time for you, no matter what. Never ever think you cant contact me because you would be bothering me or take my time or anything. Thats not the case, never. Im always here for you, Raphael. We are brothers.

Taking deep inhale to clear his head and emotions Donatello continued; And what comes to your thoughts about killing yourself... I cant say I know how you feel since I dont. Im not paralyzed knees down and in a wheelchair, but you are not alone, Raphael. We all are here for you, but we cant get inside of your heart or mind. Thats why you need to open up to us sooner, not until its either almost too late OR too late.

Listening silently few seconds of his brothers silent sniffs Don decided to continue. And what if you would throw yourself down from your balcony and Leo would come home and find you flat on the street? Have you think of him?

 No...  Was silent whisper.

Then stop to think about it. How much he would long after you? How much he would cry for you? He fought in a war and comes home finding out you did a suicide. Raphael, my dear and beloved brother, please stay strong. Youre so strong, you can make it through this. Sooner than you realize Leonardo is back home and holding you in his arms.

T-this waiting sucks. This is the worst part. This waiting since ya never know when it ends. If I would have a date as a deadline when he should be coming back it would make everything easier.

I understand that. Hey, Raph, just a thought what just hit my mind...

Yeah?

Actually, never mind. It wouldnt had work anyway. There was few seconds of silence from Don before he continued; Will you be alright for now? I hate to do this but I have to check these lists before morning so I can deliver them to April later in this afternoon.

Yeah, of course. Sorry for --

Dont!! Just dont apologize for calling me. Its alright. Im glad you called me. I will try to find some time to do you new dream blocker pills and come to visit you with Mikey someday. Okay?

Yeah, that sounds good.

Good. But please, take care of yourself. We all are here so dont hesitate to call us and DONT think youre a burden to us.

I know, I know. Thanks, Donnie.

Good night, Raphael. I love you.

Love ya too, bro. Night.

Staring down phones bright screen white numbers were showing the length of his call, almost 15 minutes. Laying down Raphael sighed deep but couldnt sleep anymore. He felt better after confessing his darker thoughts and feelings to Don but now he worried how his confession had effected on his brother. Damn he hated of being alone for this reason too. He had too much to think of and they usually werent all that happy thoughts. Playing some games with his phone gave him something else to think about and eventually made him so sleepy he dropped his phone next to him on the mattress and fell asleep.



Since his last call to Donatello, Don had called him every evening to make sure Raphael was alright and if he couldnt call him someone else did. Raph instantly knew Don had told about his dark thoughts to others and now they all were watching after him so he wouldnt do anything stupid. It pissed Raphael since he hated to be watched after, it made him feel like a child who needed a babysitter but at the same time he was grateful and most of all relieved since it made him feel safer to have his friends and brothers to watch his back. To make him stay sane.

Months passed by like usually and winter had arrived, covering streets and houses with snow. Raphael watched busy street behind the window sighing deep. He would had loved to go out for some Christmas shopping since he had no any gifts to anyone but he was prisoner of his own home. Sounds of keys entering the lock and door opening alarmed him for someones presence. Turning slightly with his wheelchair he heard many different steps and soon Mikeys head popped out behind the doorway.

Helloooo ~!

Raphaels face turned grumpy, like always, as he growled slightly. What are ya doing here?

Entering deeper in living room Mikeys smile stayed on his face. Awh, come on now. I know you have been missing me and still this is the way how you greet me?

It would had been futile to even try to resist so Raph just sat still when Mikey came right next to him and hugged him. Hearing soft chuckle Mikey pulled away turning to look at the living rooms doorway with Raph. Don stood there smiling with his usual warm and loving smile, keeping his eyes on his brothers.

That must had been one of the most beautiful moments between you two. Approaching his brothers Mikey stepped out of the way, allowing Don to hug Raphael too. Im glad Mikey didnt stole all the hugs from you to himself.
Tsk, never. I always have extra hugs in store for ya, Donnie-boy.

Aawwhh, thats so unfair! To Mikeys whine Don laughed and Raph growled.

Hi, Raphael. Aprils warm voice filled Raphaels heart more as she too came to him and hugged him. Soon behind her Casey made his way in the living room with real Christmas tree. This surprised Raphael even that they all had spend last few Christmas together.

*What the fuck, Casey?

April forced me!

Giving a look to her complaining boyfriend April had to reply. Damn right I did. I told you we would come here to celebrate Christmas and bring real tree with us. Turning to look Raphael she continued. It wouldnt had been okay at all if we would had left you alone to spend Christmas.

Its okay, April. I just dont want ta be a burden ta ya guys, forcing ya ta be here with me and all.

We wouldnt want to be anywhere else than here with you, Raphael. Don said gently, placing his hand on his brothers shoulder. Besides, this is tradition. He added with smile.

Thanks guys, I mean it.

They all just smiled silently before Casey started, with the help of April and Mikey, place the tree in one corner and decorate it, Don staying next to Raph and talking with him. After all it was forenoon of Christmas day and Christmas tree needed to be decorated before the evening.

Watching his brothers and friends Raphael had to ask; Wheres Angel?

Sorry, buddy, but chief couldnt let her have day off. She will come to visit you later when she have time.

Thats okay. Ya can tell her not ta stress about it.

I think she already knows that.

Bending down Mikey started to place gifts from huge bags under the tree and the sight of it twisted Raphaels heart. Guys Thats too much. I aint having anything for ya.

Dont worry about it, Raph. We are fully aware of it but we still wanted to bring you gifts. Besides theres gifts also to us from others. We wanted to open them all here with you. April stated tapping Raphs shoulder gently. To this Raphael said nothing.

During the day it also became clear his brothers, Casey and April had also brought lots of food with them since the air in the house started to fill with delicious scents of different Christmas foods and Christmas ham during the day. In the evening everything was finally ready; table filled with food, Christmas music playing on the background, good happy company, Christmas tree and gifts. Around the table happy chatting was heard and food was slowly disappearing when hungry mouths asked more and more food. It all made Raphael happy but his eyes constantly turned towards empty seat what belonged to Leonardo.

His visitors noticed it as well. Placing his hand on Raphs Mikey smiled gently and spoke with gentle voice. I know you miss him, we all do and we would love it if he would be here with us today, but hes in our thoughts like we are in his. Lets try not to worry about him but to be confidence hes alright and will come home one day.

..Hmm.. Raphaels mood had already drop too down for Mikeys words to cheer him up so April took the reins in her hands.

Has everyone eat enough? If so lets clean the table and go open the presents!

Everyone seemed to be excited about it and Raph wanted to feel that happiness and excitement as well but his heart was aching after his loved one. Making his way already into the living room others soon followed him, finding places to sit. Don took chair near Raphael while April and Casey sat on the couch. Mikey, as usually, made his way on the floor in front of the gifts pile.

Can I star?

Be my quest. Raph stated and with wide smile Mikey started to check the gifts, reaching them to their receivers. Raphaels heart slowly eased on the pain and sorrow as gifts made their ways in his arms with the help of Dons hands. He felt so blessed and loved even that he didnt had anything to give back to his family and friends.

During gifts opening laughs turned more and more louder filling the house with joy and love. Even Raphael was laughing and his worries seemed to be gone. Behind the music and laughs none didnt hear the door opening and closing deadly silent.

His ears picked up familiar voices and happy laughs with music, warm light coming from living room and the scent of foods filling his nostrils. Wiping his boots silently he started to approach living rooms doorway and his heart seemed to beat harder and faster with each step. Soon he was right next to the opening and he so badly wanted to peek inside but didnt dare. Instead he took one deep inhale, held it and released it slowly. Stepping out to the opening his smile was wide and warm as his eyes scanned everyone in the room in a second without anyone noticing him.

Merry Christmas, everyone! They all said to each other at once.

Merry Christmas.

All of them stopped like if they would had hit the wall, all their heads turning towards Leonardo who raised his eye ridge with smile. What?

Mikey was the one who jumped up fastest and ran to his big brother, hugging him tight.

Oh my gosh, its you! Its really, really you!

Laughing Leonardo hugged his smaller brother, tapping his head gently. Of course its me.

Its so good to have you back, Leo! April said as she too made her way to hug Leonardo. Casey wasnt man of hugs so he just shook hands with him, giving him small hit on the shoulder.

Good ta have ya back, Leo. Ya look tougher.

Ahaha, do I really? His eyes turned on Don who approached him with his usual calmness and warm smile on his lips.

Donnie.

Leo reached his arms gently towards his brother, sealing him in his arms as Dons arms made their way around him. Its so wonderful to see you, Leonardo. Im so happy and relieved to have you back.

I could say the same, brother.

But theres someone else who is the most happiest and relieved one of us. Don whispered as he pulled away a bit from Leos hold, winking at Raphs direction with his eyes.

Youre right. Leonardo whispered as he straightened himself, turning his full focus on Raphael who sit still with teary eyes, hand on his mouth and other hand had turned into a fist in his lap, squeezing warm blanket what was over his feet to keep them warm.

Seeing Leonardo starting to approach him made his tears fall faster and whole body tremble. Raising his shaking hands Raphael sobbed out loud and finally his fingertips touched that light green skin, sliding on it behind Leonardos head pulling him in tight and gentle hug.

In this moment Raph didnt give a damn if others would see and hear him cry like a baby. He had hold all these shitty emotions inside of him for too long and now, that Leo was safe and sound in his arms, he could let go of them. Feeling small wet spot against his skin hinted him that even Leonardo had tears in his eyes but Raph couldnt blame him. Not one bit.

Everyone stood at the background all silently just watching those two hold each other. April sniffed a bit as Casey kissed her head, Don holding sniffing Mikey by his side. Pulling slightly away from Raphael Leonardo locked his blue eyes with Raphaels dark orbs, wiping tear away from his lovers cheek.

Gosh, Raphael I dont know where to start. Ive missed you so much. I worried about you every day and now I feel so relieved and happy to have you, finally, in my arms once more.

Raph had no words so he just reached towards Leos face and kissed him gently. Letting his head drop after the kiss Raph felt Leos lips against his forehead.

I missed ya so fucking much I Fuck, Leo.

Sshh, its okay, beautiful. Im right here and Im not going anywhere. The wars over and I will be with you every day for now on. And I will take you out as often as you want, whenever you want like I promised.

Looking up at Leos bright blue eyes Raph sniffed with smirk. Ya sure ya wanna carry me up and down all those stairs every day?

If thats what you want, of course. I dont see it as any issue.

Once more Raph found himself to be out of words until his eyes spotted long scar going over Leos right eye. Lifting hand up he carefully touched it, murmuring silently; Your pretty face. What they did ta ya?

Leonardo pressed his hand on Raphs on his cheek with small chuckle and smile. Thats different story what I will tell you later.

Murmuring Raphael hide his face against Leonardos massive chest. Ya fucker...

Watching Leo petting Raphaels head so gently Don couldnt help but to sigh with smile. I think we need to leave, guys.

Everyone turned to look Don who kept smiling at his lover brothers.

Awwh, do we have to, Donnie? Leo just came back!

And thats exactly why we need to leave. Cant you see how much Raph and him needs time alone? We can come to see them in next weekend for example or at new year.

I agree with Donatello. April stated. They have been through a lot and definitely need time alone. They wont escape or anything so we can come to see them later.

You guys dont have to leave yet.

Yes we do, Leonardo. You and Raph matter the most. We will see you two later. April said once more before wishing them Merry Christmas once more, withdrawing to dress her jacket on. Casey followed her example with Mikey and Don soon behind them. Following their friends to small hall Leo and Raph wished them good night and saying their thanks. When their friends and brothers were gone Leonardos focus turned back on Raphael.

Raphael, theres so much what I would love to talk with you about but I think we could save all the talking for tomorrow and move on more important matters right away.

Catching Leos hint Raphs cheeks instantly turned red as Leo bend down to pick Raphael in his arms.

Wait, wait, wait! My wheelchair!

You dont need it in bed.

Yeah and I cant get out of bed without it.

Dont worry, I will get it to you in the morning. Right now I want to spend every damn second with you in our bed. Hold you in my arms through the night, kiss and cuddle with you. Show you how much I have miss you and how much I love you.

Raphaels heart was hammering in his chest but he didnt protest as Leo opened their bedroom door and kicked it close behind them. This would be one of the most wonderful nights to them both.
